Democrats on the New York City Council have passed a pair of bills that will force the taxpayers to pay reparations to African Americans who are descended from slaves. If you are a New York City taxpayer, you might balk at this idea since slavery was abolished here 159 years ago, and also because you’ve never owned slaves.
Well, so long as you are not former New York Attorney General Eric Schneiderman you’ve never owned any slaves. But that’s a totally separate kind of slavery.
Please bear with me, because I’m about to get extremely sarcastic for the rest of this article to illustrate the absurdity of New York City’s slavery reparations plan.
The first thing I’d like to know is, when do I get my reparations check? This probably seems like an odd question to most people who know me. My skin color is very, very white. In fact, if my skin color was a paint color at Home Depot, its name would be “Miracle Whip Sandwich on Wonder Bread in a Snowstorm White.”
Do you see the blank-white background behind the text on this webpage? That’s pretty close to my skin color. If I stood next to Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-MA), you might mistake her for a Cherokee Indian. That’s how incredibly white I am on my exterior.
However, I learned a couple of years ago that one of my great-grandfathers was a black man from Arkansas (this part is true, not sarcasm). His grandparents were slaves. I was surprised to learn that I am one-eighth African American and a direct descendant of African American slaves. Coincidentally, I became a full supporter of slavery reparations on the day when I learned this!
My wife was mostly annoyed because I started walking around the house using the expression, “Shut up, racist!” anytime I start to lose an argument now.
I already know what you’re thinking: “You don’t qualify for slavery reparations! You look completely white! Reparations aren’t intended for you! You’re so white that you worked on a couple of Donald Trump’s campaigns!”
That’s all true, but there are a couple of counterarguments I’d like to make.
First, how dare you erase a Person of Color! I’m offended! Shame on you!
Second, you obviously don’t understand how systemic racism affects African Americans like me. Under the concept of systemic racism, there are invisible racism vapors permeating every level of our society in America. These invisible racism vapors hold African Americans back and prevent them from achieving anything.
Sure, it might look like I’m a relatively successful white person. I live in a nice house in an expensive suburb and I have a stable marriage. But who is to say just how much the invisible racism vapors have held me back in life? Just imagine how much I could have accomplished, if not for systemic racism!
I could be living in an even bigger house in a more exclusive suburb if it weren’t for the invisible racism vapors denying opportunities to my invisible blackness.
Therefore, all you honkies gotta pay me now!
Also, I demand to be made the new spokesperson for the slavery reparations movement. I’ve got far more credibility than Al Sharpton anyway.
Okay, I’ll dial back the sarcasm now to make a serious point. Do you see how absurd the idea of slavery reparations in America is? On what logical grounds could Democrats deny slavery reparations to me? I really am one-eighth black and descended from Arkansas slaves, although you’d never realize it by looking at my skin color.
If we were to impose slavery reparations across America, it would be so expensive because of outwardly white people like me that they would have to also impose a “one drop” system like they had in South Africa under Apartheid. Everyone’s genetic background would have to be examined to see who has one drop of African American blood and who is fraudulently applying for reparations.
It would end up imposing a more racist system than the invisible one that black Americans currently claim is holding them back. A lot of black Americans would probably be surprised that they’re not descended from slaves at all and that their ancestors were more recent immigrants to America. Those people would be denied reparations, while a mostly white guy like me would receive them. It’s an absurd system that could never work in a multiracial society like ours – no matter how much I might want it to for selfish reasons.
